*Warning: This post may be triggering to those who have been a victim of sexual assault*
I remember vividly one of the first times he forced himself on me. We were at his parents house and I remember his family was with mine at the pool. Not that far away but far enough that nobody would hear my yells of pain and anger. I remember that day I told my mom I was going to stay at his house so we could play video games together because he wanted to show me the new Mario Kart game that he had gotten.
He turned to me and said “let’s play a game, if i win a race you take something off, if you win, I take something off.” I felt uncomfortable, he stared at me in such pleasure and excitement. I didn’t want to, so I denied his offer. I say this might be the second time because I remember saying “not again”. He pushed his body on me, I might have been a fifth grader or sixth grader when this happened. He kissed me, I was disgusted by the way his lips and tongue touched mine. I didn’t want this to happen and I remember pushing him away and freeing myself from his older arms. He’s four years older than I am. I told him I was leaving, I freaked out. My arms were shaking as I was looking for my house keys to go home. He yelled behind me “please don’t tell anyone, please!” but I couldn’t hear him, I froze. I wanted out. I wanted to leave before anything else happened. He then grabbed my shoulders and looked at me straight in the eyes, he was terrified. I saw the sparkle in his eyes were gone and anxiety was creeping over him. I replied “I’m not” and pushed through his body and walked out of the apartment. He yelled through the window “Don’t tell anyone please! C’mon, can you promise?”, I turned around and said “yeah I won’t tell anyone” and I never did until now.
The second time I remember, and it’s also the last I remember is when he came over to my house. My mom had sent him to come and say hi to all of us that were at home because we did not want to attend the party next door. I remember my sister had opened the door and I was laying down on my parents bed watching the television. I walked over to the door when I heard it opened, and I saw him. I asked him what he wanted and he had told me my mom said we were here and to come say hi. I told hm he could chill with us while our parents were at the party, and that I was going to go back to the room to watch T.V. He followed me back, we were talking for a bit, I don’t remember what it was about but I think it might have been about the T.V show because next thing I remember is that he had pushed me against my parents bed. He put his arm down my pants and I tried pushing him away. He pressed his whole body against me and I could feel his penis outside of my jeans. Then he unzipped my pants, I started wiggling out of his grip and I finally pushed him. My body felt weak, like if it wasn’t mine anymore. It was an empty shell, and my insides have been scooped away from me. I yelled at him and pushed him towards the door. I remember my siblings looked at me puzzled at what had just happened. I never told them anything. We never spoke of this ever again.
I have always wanted to ask him why, why he couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Why he had to touch my petals before I had bloomed. Why. Why.