Not the happiest place on Earth

*Before you read what is below I must warn you that it may be triggering for people who have dealt with depression or self harm.

I learned to love myself through tears and self harm. I started self harming in middle school with safety pins, they were light to not scar but painful to heal at first. I don’t remember exactly why I started or what triggered me to self harm in the first place. I remember high school was the worst, to be specific my sophomore and junior year. Nobody knew what was going on under my long sleeves, bracelets and sweaters except for my best friend. She noticed and I trusted her to let her know what was happening inside closed doors. My family was suspicious of why I had random cuts on my arms, or scars that were still healing.

Summer before my junior year I remember I had gotten into an argument with my mother in the kitchen while she was at work. I don’t remember exactly what it was about, or how we even started arguing but I do remember vividly what I did as she walked to her room. I remember I was so angry I opened up the kitchen drawer where all the knives were and just cut. Heavily and deeply. I remember feeling a sense of relief when I did it but then I went into panic mode. There was so much blood and this damage was way more than what I had intended. I freaked, and I started crying as my mom started yelling at me telling me that I was so dumb and why did I do that. I grabbed a towel and put pressure on the cut while my mom called my godparents to take me to the hospital.

The car ride to the emergency room was long and empty. It felt like it was the end of my life, like if the life I knew was completely taken from me and thrown out. I remember my godfather asking me why I did it and I just sat in the car in silence.

The next day we were going to go to Disneyland. The happiest day on earth. We still went, but it wasn’t the happiest.

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