thoughts 11:54pm

Letting go of a emotionally draining person is hard, it’s so hard because you will always be attached to that person. It feels like taking your own personality and ripping it apart. I don’t know if there is an easier way to put this but I’m tired of being drained by negative energy. Being in this small town has taught me a lot about friendships.

I came here with a mindset thinking that all the people that I saw during my weekends here were going to be my friends. I thought everybody that I partied with was going to have my back when I had a mental break down. I depended on the wrong people to be there for me but in general I just depended on people when I should have depended on myself. To be completely honest not everyone is going to be there for you when you’re lying on the bathroom floor crying about how easy and fast your life fell apart. Nobody is going to comfort you when you are overthinking at 3am and crying your heart out because you think you aren’t good enough. I’ve been there too many times, and the only one that has been there for me has been me.

There was one night I had a bad night, and I remember  making a list of people that I could call at that very moment to help me calm down. Every single on of them didn’t pick up when I needed them the most. Maybe this is me being bitter I don’t have a attached best friend to my side, or maybe I wasn’t meant to have one.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve seen people move on with their friendships with me and I have become numb to it all. Nobody is going to stick through with me and in a way I’m being a pessimist for thinking like this but after knowing so many people through  the years and having deep connections with a couple, nobody has fully stuck around.

I’m also not trying to say that people aren’t there for me, but I am trying to enforce the fact that the only one that truly has your back at the end of the day is you. You should always be your own anchor, the one that holds your own self down and you do this through self love. Self-love. The hardest thing to do for a human being.

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