anxiety attack

My panic attack came in such a shove that blew all of my air out of my system. Triggered. That’s the word that I’ve heard people use when they are triggered into a bad memory or it causes them to harm something or someone.

I was laying down trying to push oxygen through my left nostril since my right one decided to clog up. I was watching Shameless, the T.V series about a dysfunctional family that tries to make it in the world. The father is an alcoholic, the oldest sister is caring for her 5 other siblings, and the mother is a combination of bipolar and depression.

To make the story short, I was at the part where the biological mom is going through the emotions of being off her medicine and depression. It was Thanksgiving and she attempted suicide by slicing her wrists on the kitchen table. When the oldest sister Fiona finds her on the floor she immediately starts calling 911 while her boyfriend and father try to stop the intense bleeding.

The tears were coming and I knew I wanted to cry because that was a intense and emotional moment that I could relate to. In the summer of 2012, I had gotten into an intense argument with my mother that I grabbed the knife and cut myself on the wrist. It was also in the kitchen as well as the show so I guess you can say that it was the show that triggered me to have an anxiety attack.

I couldn’t breathe, and as much as I tried to push myself to gasp, I couldn’t contain any air in my lungs. I was panicking, because I knew that if I would stop breathing for long I would die. That’s when I grabbed my phone and started calling my friends, I needed someone to calm me down because this was the first time this had happened to me and I didn’t know what to do. Nobody managed to pick up, so I stared at the wall still gasping for air but this time I focused on the blank wall in front of me. I started taking slow breathes with fast ones in between since I couldn’t control my level of stress at this time. I finally managed to control my breathing, after the attack I felt like it never happened. I felt like maybe I was just dreaming and I should go back to sleep.

 

 

12-29-16

 

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